Imperfect love

Fri Feb 2, 2007 8:54 am


Dear Uncle Mxxx:

As usual, thoughts about the subject you brought up lingered on my mind, and more so than my annoying argumentativeness a deep chord was struck about my relationship with God that may resonate with you and others.

Long since my brief "invincible" days the frailty and certain mortality opened the door for a spiritual journey in search for that elusive sense of comfort, a cosmic belonging of sorts. It certainly is not unique as all of us at some point in life ponders that weighty issue to one degree or another.

But it is obvious about my near-obsessive defense for God's perfection and goodness...much like a child stubbornly holding on to his belief in the magic of Christmas. The life I lead, although not totally reprehensible, is far from the clear path He has set. Yet the further I stray the stronger the yearning to return, and fear any slight dimming of that righteous beacon leading to total darkness for this wandering soul.

I sense that you have also dedicated a good portion of your life in search of God, but from a very different perspective than mine. Although you often frame your writings in the form of anecdotal observation, my guess is that a deep vein of your core belief of God runs just beneath the surface. Facing trials and tribulation few have experienced, I suspect there is even more sense for the ephemeral quality to life that is as beautiful yet fragile like a butterfly. For all you have given in trust, the receipt is less than reassuring, and in that blameless betryal there is a natural and protective instinct to be more detached emotionally... for how does one love a creature that is here today but may be gone by tomorrow?

I suppose the question of that dichotomy (among others) may have contributed to your notion of a lesser god. That is not to say your distance to Him is greater than mine; on the contrary, my perception of God may simply be an admiration of a shimmering silhouette from afar, the imagination of my needs filled in to perfect that image, but your relationship with God resembles a close-knit family where the love and bond is acknowledged but invariably the high expectation fosters the occasional wrestling with dissatisfaction -- only because it is so intimate and real.

And greater is the love for someone flawed than a reverence for flawlessness. The ultimate expression of acceptance is to see the flaws but made whole through love and forgiveness. The few words you used belied the depth and passion forged through personal struggles in body, mind and spirit, and reduced to a few kernels of wisdom light in weight but laden with gold.

You have found your boundary, the prison of which is your salvation; my freedom is the chain bound for eternal search. But hope remains that is the flickering torch lit in your heart that serves as my guiding light.

Jim