I had a handful of perfect beans in my hands.
For Thanksgiving I spent a week at my sister's home in Scottsdale, Arizona. There is this tree nearby that drops seed pods on the ground, and in the pods are these pretty little coffee-brown beans. I collected a handful to give to the three little nieces who came along. Immediately they went about divvying up the spoil, seeing who got how many, and gets the biggest, prettiest ones. After some time, each girl had the same number of beans, but many were discarded for being too small, not round enough or plump enough, and even one with a big hole in it. When they became bored with them, I was charged with holding the beans, each one lovely from the careful selection.
Seeing the beans in my hands I couldn't help feeling a bit sad -- last thing I expected from the innocent play of these little angels. It was a microcosm mirroring the world -- and my own heart.
It may seem natural, and even rightfully so, but with each opportunity to choose, we of any age instinctively go for the best: the best looking, the freshest, the highest quality; and only settling for the not so good when the choice is already taken away. The leftovers are picked up reluctantly and without joy, or even outright rejected like a bruised peach, its fate in a trash heap of the unwanted.
Sadly, it is the same with people; we are constantly judging and being judged based on innumerable criterion set up by the cultural, moral or even a deeper and unexplainable instinct that ebb and flow within to label and classify. And all in this mad system of establishing a hierarchy of worthiness or acceptance that non seems to be exempt from -- neither lone individuals nor organized entities. Whether factors affecting such "scoring" is pre-determined or can be enhanced, the truth remains that each of us at one level or another desperately want to be that perfect little bean, and fear to be rejected for flaws. How many suffer in silence from this constant judging and selecting process day after day? Like the scrawny little boy wanting to play sport but selected last only by default because neither team wanted him?
Anyone with empathy feels for such outcasts; and from time to time many are themselves victims of rejection, even if unintended. However, sympathetic as they are, few are willing to settle for the inferior and allow others to get the better part. There is an inner demand to get the best for ourselves, even over the needs of others. The more "worthy" (in self-image or accomplishment) one feels about him or herself, and deserving of the better things in life, the less this person is willing to compromise on such standard. And even those who feel "unworthy" share the same desire, but only live in life-long compromise and defeat. The want comes out instinctively -- even as little children.
This inner demand is voracious and insistent. It drives us toward higher grounds for two emotional factors: pride and shame. One either wants to gain glory, or to avoid shame, and it is reflected in what represents us in the material and inter-personal (relationships). Wanting that shiny, perfect little bean is motivated by the same emotion as driving an expensive car, having many friends, or marrying the successful and beautiful. And in wanting these things one fears not having these things as well for the consequence of shame.
Some may like to think of themselves as "above it all" and open-minded in not being "judgmental." But that is simply narcissistic self-delusion. Apart from God, we are naked (shame) and seek glory (pride) to cover ourselves. In one form or another, all our efforts in this world is driven by vanity. It is easy to deride those seeking material riches and status, but vanity is even more insidious in those trying to be a "better person" or to be more spiritual, obedient and even humble. It all boils down to a validation of self by an established standard of the day, or even just by an inner goal to cross one's own imaginary line of victory. Ultimately, it all boils down to fear, of failure and rejection that either motivates or paralyzes one's existence. This fear drives us every moment of our mortal life -- of not being picked to play the game, and not winning.
Wanting to be a winner, and fearing to be a loser seems an understandable and even admirable determination. However, when taken out of the "reality" context of this fleshly world, what lies underneath is the core problem of sin that separates us from the spirit -- God. What is "sin?" It is defined simply as "falling short of the mark" or not having the glory of God, the ultimate validation. Ever since the fall of Adam, the void inside is our unrealized desire to be filled again with God's glory. It motivates us, drives us, searching for fulfillment in all sorts of ways, desperately trying to avoid becoming a loser, or passively accepting such fate, having been weighted down by ridicule and shame. Many even resort to lying and cheating, and in any way that counters the intended purpose, but only magnifies the sins, which continue to fail us. Either way, we all sooner or later come to face the fact that there is only perpetual darkness or mere fading lights no matter how bright and hopeful at one time. And death claims all victories.
Such is the wage of sin, and the inescapable sentence of death. It is a sickness needing to be healed, a trespass waiting to be forgiven. All these are not only assignable to behavior, but much deeper. The conscience placed in our hearts to guide us also constantly condemns. Those who ignore it live in sin, and ones who listen live in the recognition and guilt of sin. The only and common solution to this separation/emptiness (sin) is to be made whole by the restoration of unconditional forgiveness.
This is what God wants of us: not to live in fear, but be made whole in His glory by our faith in His love. And when we fear no more by the grace of God, the whole world loses its grip on our soul.
Forgiveness is essentially a healing process. What was broken is mended, and the empty filled. Forgiveness is not just to let an injustice go without punishment, but the bringing together the hurting and the hurt. In our relationship with God, His forgiveness brings us back to him as one, and to be filled and covered with glory (God's good opinion). Everything God does is not temperate but extreme and absolute, for truth stands uncompromising. Therefore God's forgiveness is like His love -- absolutely unconditional. And only in unconditional forgiveness is there complete healing.
Yes, our sin is simply a sickness waiting to be forgiven -- and how He is wiling! As I danced with my little niece tonight to music (they love to dance), holding her little hands, I understood how God felt, and the love pouring out of His heart for His children. Of course they are not always little angels, but all is forgiven because I love them, and want so very much not to fear me, but to trust and hold on to my hands and enjoy my embrace. I remember how I felt the same way with my son and daughter when they were little, and continue to until eternity. How much more our God?
In being restored, there is no more want but to remain in His embrace. For in Him there is no lack, and every choice of beauty and perfection. No need for glory for we are His glory, no sense of shame for His love covers us. This is true rest, for no more is our heart restless, and no more does it envy.
When such forgiveness is received, we live from victory, not performance; from His holiness, not our obedience; and no more shame nor guilt over sin while we remain in the flesh. The choice then is not for the self (earned righteousness) but to give, and to lift up the least. The forgiveness received is our forgiveness given in offering up the best and turning the other cheek. How is it that so many believers can give up a lap of luxury and safety only choosing to accept poverty and danger -- all for the sake of picking up the discarded and forgotten? Why was Mother Teresa able to find her calling tending to the dying in the gutters of Calcutta? She didn't see them as trash nor opportunity for her own glory, but the grace of God in her saw each soul as Jesus Himself, and the returning of love received. By grace she did not judge anymore, but accepted all as one.
In the eyes of little angels, there is already judgment and greed. What hope is there for us with the world slowly choking the spirit away but for the unconditional love and complete forgiveness found in Jesus Christ? And it is in our believing we are eternally forgiven, and made whole by His grace, that we look not for the imperfection in things and people to reject, but out of a grateful and joyful heart, pour out the love so filled in us to forgive, and restore the least of us.
And in God's eyes, we are all perfect little beans, because His blood more than made up for our falling short. Amen.
James
